A couple of months ago I had a row with someone close. It fizzled out but the pot was kept simmering with resentments.
On my birthday I offered an olive branch. We were having a nice chat on the phone and I thought it a good idea. It wasn't an apology, I didn't feel that it should be me giving one. Neither was it a request for an apology, I know the other party will not.
It was, though, a peace offering. A way of saying, 'OK, let's just agree to differ'. After all, you cannot agree on everything, no matter how understanding and compatible you may be.
The olive branch? It was thrown back in my face.
It won't get offered again.
Sad really. I'm one of those who will fly off and let rip. Once done though, I forgive and forget very easily. I accept people for who they are and what they believe and do. I do not judge. That does have to be returned though.
Too many people are judgemental, they see things as black and white, and if a disagreement carries on into a full blown argument then they will sometimes hold grudges. It all boils down to an inability to accept that the other person has views and opinions every bit as valid as your own.
Some things can be seen in terms of black and white; but mostly our world, our world of opinions, comes in varying shades of grey where right to one person is wrong to another, where white to one is black to another. More likely to be just a murky shade of grey.
"Sad really. I'm one of those who will fly off and let rip. Once done though, I forgive and forget very easily. I accept people for who they are and what they believe and do. I do not judge. That does have to be returned though"
ReplyDeleteWhy does that have to be returned John? You have to allow people to be who they are surely?
By stating you do not judge but those sentiments have to be returned means the opposite? No??
An olive branch is meeting in the middle. It isn't a question of judging at all. The person who rejects the olive branch is not only judging but is also dictating.
ReplyDeleteThat is not acceptable in any equal relationship.
You can only genuinely allow the other person to be who they are if they return it. Otherwise it isn't agreement it is subservience to their views.
Goes both ways to work anon.
It all depends on the Olive Branch. It also depends if the recipient of it is unhappy at the intrusion.
ReplyDeleteJust because you offer an Olive Branch, it does not mean that it should be taken up. In rejecting it, the other party is simply exercising their right to either accept or reject.
You can't have it all your own way.
If I did this and the other party told me to get stuffed, at least I would know where I stand... However, I would not go half way if I thought I would sent home. I would have explored a little first.
It sounds like you want control of the situation as much as the other person to me :)
Think about it - you offer an Olive Branch but no apology - is not an Olive Branch at all, it is a strategy to make you look like the bigger man.
All I did was suggest having a meal together anon...............that was an exploration.
ReplyDeleteThat was an opportunity to lead to other stuff for us both.
......and an olive branch without an apology is merely an acceptance that we both have separate views. An olive branch is a sign of peace; if you apologise that is not an olive branch. It is a straighforward apology! You've moved beyond the olive branch. On the one hand you say explore and then you say apologise. I have explored and got rebuffed. The olive branch was the exploration. Don't see your logic there.
As to wanting as much control as the person. I think that very unfair. All relationships involve some kind of conrol. We all, including you, need to exercise some for our own well being.
However, each relationship also has its own dynamics and for some people control is the be all and the end all. I grew up with such a person so recognise the signs and maybe am a little too sensitive to others wanting to control me. I also recognise what it is very clearly though, and have always sought to avoid being a controlling person. Most who really know me would concur with that............especially my wife of over 30 years!
In this situation the other party has not even allowed me to get beyond base. I feel hog tied.
It is sad but to apologise in the way you suggest would open a whole can of worms and possibly lead to worse things happening in the future.
This is a relatively small thing that will simmer down in my opinion. I've been here before with this person.
You have made some sensible comments but other things have happened which I do not want to elaborate on and might alter some of what you say.
My post was really a general rant and I do not want to be too specific on here.
"An olive branch is meeting in the middle. It isn't a question of judging at all. The person who rejects the olive branch is not only judging but is also dictating.
ReplyDeleteThat is not acceptable in any equal relationship"
Who says relationships have to be equal John?
Who says dictating is a failure?
You offer me an Olive Branch and I reject it for whatever reason does not mean I place myself above you, nor does it mean I am dictating.
When two people fall out over something it is because they have completely different views on a subject they both feel strongly about. To offer something in a conciliatory fashion and have it rebuffed could be because that other party is hurting or angry or embarrassed and wishes to be left alone to think, and is simply not ready for communication.
I am drawing on my own life experience here.
When I fall out with my daughter over something petty (such as she not helping at home) and she goes off into a silence, we both feel aggrieved for our own reasons. Neither has the upper hand and dictating does not come into it.
The spell is usually broken quickly by one of us, and nobody thinks anymore of it. I am talking about minor stuff here of course. If it were something more serious warranting a falling out, then I think the reason behind the spat is the only dictator here, and it is that alone which needs exploring.
But..... families are complex, and sometimes a fall out is because of underlying things more serious, and the spat you have is only the catalyst for this.
Also.. life is too damned short!
By equality I mean balance really. Maybe 'balance' is better term. Someone may appear to have more control or power within a relationship but when looked at you can often see the underlying balance between two people; the reason why the other person is comfortable in what appears to be unequal.
ReplyDeleteWithout that balance a relationship would fail.
The problem with this 'spat' I refer to is that the other party looks at all relationships in terms of power and control and that, in my view, is too simplistic. That's the underlying issue here.
Anyway it has developed into a kind of armed truce as most of the spats with this individual do.
That is the only 'balance' the other party understands....or at least appears to.