Role Models

We all have them. Most of us are, or have been, one too. I try to be a role model to my Granddaughter. I wonder just how profound my influence can be though. There is the old argument of Nature-v-Nurture; the part of a role model being a nurturing one. A role model cannot change some of the fundamentals of a character but, maybe, can knock a few of the awkward corners off.

The most important role models will be, for the vast majority, our parents. That is why I think it is important, where possible, to have 'one of each' as parents. It's why I see my role as a 'Proxy Dad' so important.

Our role models? How did they shape us? How far could they shape us?

Let's look at mine.

Dad was the son of a strong-willed woman. He lost his dad when still a baby. He didn't have a male role model who was close and never learnt how to behave in male company. His mother was domineering and he learnt how to deal with her by shutting himself off emotionally, being secretive and lying.

Or were all those traits inbuilt? Did the lack of a father and overbearing mother merely underline what was there already? He had no siblings to help either.

He was, by nature, a shy man so his female role model and lack of a male role maybe enhanced characteristics that were already there.

Mother, again, had a strong-willed mother and a charming, but distant, father. She grew up spoilt and used to getting her own way. She was an only child too.

My parents' marriage brought out the extremes of their natures. She would dominate using emotion as a weapon because dad never had a reply. He didn't know how to deal with female emotionalism. She would threaten to leave home and get nasty; to try to get a response I think. I don't remember her using it positively. He would just clam up to restrain what looked like a steaming anger underneath. My other female role model, my sister, learnt from mum how to use emotion as a weapon. Her tantrums as a child were legendary within our household.

So my male role model's main characteristic that I learnt was restraint. The female role models made me wary of women; I learnt how to tread on a tightrope to avoid tantrums from my sister and domineering from my mother. I realised that a taciturn approach was no way to handle her and used charm instead; repeating her father's approach. Or was that inherited?

I have inherited some of my mother's emotionalism – nature. So my restraint has been tempered by that and by the fact that I saw in my father a role I didn't want to repeat. Restraint yes, subservience no.

My inheritance, the emotional needs, have given me a need to be involved with people. The nurture side of it, what I've learnt from role models have given me a walled up approach. I'm fearful, mostly, of opening up. It has made me an acute observer of people; my career was natural choice given that ability.

But for me to come out of my shell is difficult. Easier now than it used to be as I have tried to rationalise it but nevertheless the basic me is unchanged.

How much of that has been nature; how much nurture?

How have role models affected you?